The Top 100 Women Of ARF:
The Full List | february 1 2003, 02:04 am | | submitted by: normal mc |
At the risk of coming off extremely sexist and shallow, Chuck D and I decided to follow the path of so many reputable, respected periodicals (Maxim, Stuff, Details) and compile the definitive list of our favorite women.
With little to no regard for run-on sentences, we brainstormed a bit and came up with what we think is a 'complete' tally. We're not gonna say these women are the 'most beautiful' or 'sexiest' even. You could call this list "ARF's Top 100 Most Desirable Women"
What does that mean? Well, a number of things. Looks? Obviously. Looks matter, looks are important and we like good looking women. Fair enough. But we're taking into account personality here as well. But how could we - Chuck, Jay and I - honestly say we know any of these women's personalities? We can't and we aren't trying to. We're basing this on their outward personality they choose to show in the roles they take, the art the do, the interviews they give, etc...
I guess we could say it's a list of women we'd like to hang out with, too. Then again, when it comes right down to it... we really wanna have sex with these women.
So without delay, here they are. Enjoy.
100. Erin Gray
You knew her from 'Buck Rodgers' and 'Silver Spoons' back in the day. Now you may catch her in a host of crappy TV movies and infomercials. Look at how shiny her suit is...
99. Monica Potter
I like to think of her as a sexier Julia Roberts. She can act, too. I first caught her in 'Without Limits' with Billy Crudup... and you know how much of a Billy fan I am. Also seen in 'Patch Adams', 'Con Air' and "A Cool, Dry Place'. She did take a star turn opposite Freddie Prinze, Jr., so she is not infallible.
98. Sherry Stringfield
The yummiest of all the 'ER' ladies by far. She first caught my eye opposite David Schwimmer in the earliest of early 'NYPD Blue' episodes. Used to be on a soap, I think. Left 'ER' - I stopped watching. Came back to 'ER' - started watching again. A down home, cute quality.
97 and 96. The Girls Of 'Charles In Charge'
Nicole Eggert
I'll admit that 'Charles In Charge' is probably one of the worst sitcoms ever. Back in the day when I was just learning how to masturbate however, Nicole Eggert's "Jamie" was one of my favorites, she was also "Marci Ferguson" on 'Who's The Boss' opposite Alyssa Milano. She was seen recently on 'Baywatch'.
Josie Davis
The younger sister from 'Charles' wasn't much to look at then, but now? Damn! Josie Davis graduated to '90210' and 'The Young And The Restless'. Both can currently be seen on E!'s Celebrity Profile of Scott Baio.
95. Sherilyn Fenn
The breathy ingenue from 'Twin Peaks' has always been one of my favorites. A David Lynch regular, also seen in 'Wild At Heart', she took over Kim Basinger's role in 'Boxing Helena'... which sucked, even with Art Garfunkel in the cast. Played Liz Taylor in a shitty TV movie. Does a lot of crap nowadays, like 'Just Write' with the always brilliant Jeremy Piven and Wallace Shawn.
94. Kelly Preston
Her marriage to John Travolta should automatically disqualify her, as should her Scientology belief... but she's too hot. Not that much of an actor, but has had some quality roles in films like 'Jerry Maguire', 'Addicted To Love' and 'Jack Frost'. Did I just use 'Jack Frost'? Okay, I was reaching...
93. Bridget Fonda
Great body, great face, no talent. You'll be reading that a lot the further we go along on this list. Almost single handedly ruined 'The Godfather: Part III' if it weren't for Sofia Coppola. Equally as clueless opposite John Cusack in 'City Hall'. Crappy in 'Lake Placid' but oh-so-yummy in 'Jackie Brown' as a clueless pothead. Un-credited in 'Drop Dead Fred' which segues nicely into...
92. Phoebe Cates
Exiting the pool in Judge Reinhold's masturbatory fantasy in 'Fast Times At Ridgemont High' ranks as one of the greatest scenes ever committed to film. So good, in fact, it makes me forget the 'Gremlins' films and the afore-mentioned 'Drop Dead Fred'. She needs to graduate to some soft-core if she wants me to forget 'Princess Caraboo', 'Shag' and 'Bright Lights, Big City' though.
91. Elizabeth Perkins
Tom Hanks felt her up, over the bra, in 'Big'. Awesome. Was the only good thing about 'Moonlight And Valentino', keeping in mind that Jon Bon Jovi was in it, too. I have a thing for redheads. She's too fine, I can't describe it. Played opposite Kevin Bacon in 'He Said, She Said'. Unfortunately she was in 'The Flintstones'. No one is perfect. Now does crappy Lifetime movies.
90. Wendy Malick
The only funny thing about 'Just Shoot Me' if you ask me. David Spade stopped being funny years ago. Wendy was also seen in HBO's phenomenally bad 'Dream On'. How bad was that show, I mean, c'mon... Brian Benben? Sarcastic women characters are awesome. Older women are awesome. Sarcastic older women characters are double awesome.
89. Molly Shannon
A good sense of humor is extremely sexy. Admittedly, her characters began to wear thin on SNL, but she was god in 'Serendipity'. Wish she'd grow her hair out again. I'd be afraid to take her out in public, though. She might break into full-on 'Superstar' mode and that's just... wrong.
88. Julianne Moore
Chuck said she makes the list because she shows her boobs a lot, and well, that's an okay reason by me too. Loved her as a cokehead in 'Boogie Nights', loved her as a heartbroken wife of a dying man in 'Magnolia', hated her as Jodie Foster's replacement in 'Hannibal'. Well played bit part in 'The Big Lebowski'. But for the most part, it's that she's a redhead... and redheads are the best.
87. Melissa Joan Hart
She mesmerized me as 'Sabrina' and I wanted her to explain it all to me as 'Clarissa'. Funny in 'Can't Hardly Wait' as the yearbook girl. Wondering if a move to soft-core can snap her out of her shitty family sitcom rut. A man can hope. Killer smile, great body...
86. Dominique Swain
Saw her first in 'Face/Off' and I was hooked, though I felt dirty... she was so young, 16 at the time. Her casting in 'Lolita' was a no-brainer. I managed to catch her in 'Girl', an extremely crappy coming-of-age film. Crappy because Sean Patrick Flanery and one of the lesser Phoenix children were featured. Again, perhaps a move to adult features might help?
85. Carrie Fisher
We all know why she is here - Princess Leia was our dream woman before we learned how to jerk off. Cool thing is, she's still attractive today, as witnessed by her more recent pic above. Funny cameo as a nun in 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back'. Equally as entertaining in 'Soapdish' and 'When Harry Met Sally'. Back in the day, I thought I would marry a woman like Princess Leia. Not anymore, she was way too political, way too high maintenance.
84. Alicia Silverstone
We wanted to use her Aerosmith video appearances as some kind of funny play on words, like... She is so fine, it's 'Crazy', she's got me 'Cryin' so much it's 'Amazing' I didn't kill myself. But we thought better of it. 'Clueless' was total crap, but 'The Crush' and 'The Babysitter'? Yummy. Helped destroy the BATMAN franchise as Batgirl, so she's got that going for her. She fancies herself as a producer, I hear. Better produce a comeback vehicle, stat.
83. Sela Ward
She did too many phone commercials for a while and it was almost enough to push her off the list. But she was always my favorite sister on, err, 'Sisters'. Embodies the modern day MILF like no one else. Applauded for her performances on 'Once and Again', which proves that critics are assholes. Also seen in 'The Fugitive' and as Jessica Savitch, some news reporter we're supposed to have heard of who, I think, died.
82. Marisa Tomei
Maggie from 'A Different World', the lone drop of white in a sea of bad, black sitcom shit. I used to watch just for her, she was a redhead back then. If she made our list, is Dawn Wells far behind? Yes. Parlayed an Oscar turn in 'My Cousin Vinny' into a series of barely watchable films - 'The Paper', 'Untamed Heart', 'Only You', 'The Perez Family'... just plain bad. Was welcomed back recently with her critically acclaimed role in 'In the Bedroom'.
81. Kate Hudson
Daughter of Goldie Hawn, so she'll probably still be hot when she's older. She's had one good role and she nailed it - opposite another ARF favorite, Billy Crudup, in 'Almost Famous', a near perfect film. Married to Black Crowes singer Chris Robinson, so we know she has no standards.
80. A.J. Langer
Loved her as Rayanne in 'My So-Called Life', a show that is wrongly classified as 'good'. Her's was the character who'd be so much hotter if she stopped dressing like a silly hippie. Has had two terrible sitcoms since then. Looking over her career actually... hasn't done much. Love her voice, though.
79. Natalie Wood
The only type of Wood that doesn't float. Ha! Get it? Oh, nevermind. File her under 'died too young', I guess. Maria from 'West Side Story'. The only other movie I've seen her in was 'Rebel Without A Cause'. I've heard good things about 'Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice', I think I should rent it. She is really pretty. We like the pretty.
78. Katarina Witt
While America was caught up in the whole Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding grudge match, I felt like screaming... where is Katarina Witt? Why no in-depth, hard hitting exposes on her? She's the talented one! Anyone else catch her in Playboy? Damn. I don't watch figure skating anymore because no one can compare to her on ice. They ought to combine nudity with figure skating. A triple salchow used to mean something to me, not anymore.
77. Fairuza Balk
She reminds of the cute goth girls who sat at the 'freak' table at lunch. I know she wears Doc Martens. I felt dirty for finding her attractive in 'Valmont', she was 15 at the time... and I just saw the film last week. She was in 'Return To Oz', which completely scared me as a child. Turned in good performances in 'American History X', 'The Craft' and Rosco's favorite 'Things To Do In Denver When Your Dead'. Ten to one she fucks like an animal, too.
76. Mira Sorvino
Can't act. Couldn't act to save her life. Seriously. Somehow won an Oscar for 'Mighty Aphrodite', which featured my man Michael Rapaport. Reunited with him in 'Beautiful Girls', a very under-rated film. Great legs, great ass. I may have to rent 'Mimic' just for her. Still waiting for 'Wisegirls' with Mariah Carey. I heard they had fights about who sucked more as an actress.
75 and 74. Two of The Spice Girls
75. Geri Halliwell
Norm's pick. She looks much better as a redhead; although I am quite upset she slimmed down. I liked her better curvy. If memory serves me, I think Snerly likes her, too. Saw her topless pics, she looked butt nasty with long dark hair. Curse these redheads!
74. Victoria Beckham
Chuck's pick. Married to some awesome soccer player, apparently. named one of her kids Brooklyn. That's gay. Super body, always seems to have a nice tan, too. I've heard she was actually the brains of the group. If true, sad.
73. Sarah Silverman
First, she's Jewish. Second, she's one of the funniest people on the planet, she can get filthy with the best of them. She was fantastic on 'Mr. Show'. I'd rank her the second funniest Jew woman on the planet, next to Rosen. Did I mention she was Jewish? Plus she has great legs, and gorgeous jet-black hair. And she's Jewish.
72 and 71. Women Over 60
72. Sophia Loren
Italian. She's 68. Still looks good. Chuck's pick, we decided to go retro-style. Does a bunch of movies with Marcello Mastroianni. I don't know who he is.
71. Raquel Welch
One of the worst actresses ever. Ever seen 'Mother, Jugs & Speed'? Take my word for it. She is in one of my favorite, hard-to-find movies 'The Magic Christian' with Peter Sellers and Ringo Starr. Her career peaked with 1966's 'One Million Years B.C.'. At 62, she is still drop dead gorgeous.
70. Shirley Manson
Redhead. Scottish, me thinks. Saw an interview with her on Kilborn and she's a big Bucks fan, so bonus points for that. Throw in the fact that she is in a killer pop band - Garbage, for those paying rent under a rock - and what's not to love? I caved into k8's demands and included her, after completely forgetting about her in the first place.
69. Rudi Bakhtiar
The only reason to ever watch 'Headline News'. Seriously. Fast Freddie's, the gas station I frequent in Danbury has TV's that show nothing but Headline News. I'm usually there late at night and that's when I first noticed Rudi. I love women whose names end in 'i'. She could report a story about elephant rectal exams and still make it sexy.
68. 'Appolonia' - Simonetta Stefanelli
Appolonia, Michael's first wife from 'The Godfather'. Topless. My jeans? Suddenly too tight. Haven't seen her in anything else, besides my masturbatory fantasies.
67.Audrey Hepburn
Another old school pick, courtesy of Chuck D. I've never seen any of her movies, but I saw Jennifer Love Hewitt play her in some bad TV movie, does that count? Was in 'Breakfast At Tiffany's' with George Peppard, Hannibal from 'The A-Team', that's good enough for me.
66. Alanis Morissette
Even though she looked hideous when she went naked in that one video of hers, she still has a killer smile and great hair. Plus, I love her music. I had a huge a crush on her back in her 'You Can't Do That On Television' days, back with the short hair? Yummy. I wanted to be Alasdair Gillis so bad.
65. Faith Hill
I fell in love with her thanks to her hit single 'Kiss' or was it 'This Kiss'... fuck, I dunno. Look at her. What's not to love? Head and shoulders above Shania Twain musically and looks-wise. Still not a huge fan of her new-jack country, but with looks like hers I can put up with it for now. Married to Tim McGraw, son of former Met great Tug McGraw, so bonus points there.
64. Kim Basinger
As Vicki Vale in 'Batman', a sexpot in '9 1/2 Weeks', a major role in 'L.A. Confidential' and a funny cameo in 'Wayne's World 2', she's surprisingly an okay actress. She first caught my eye in 'The Natural' as Memo, the blonde femme fatale. Great lips, great legs, great hair and the years have been kind to her so far.
63. Susan Sarandon
Makes the list simply on the strength of her baseball monologue in 'Bull Durham'. Can also credit her as Janet in 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'. Aging gracefully, but still with that putz Tim Robbins.
62. Claire Forlani
Annoying as all hell in 'Mallrats', even more annoying in 'Meet Joe Black'. Loved her in 'Police Academy: Mission to Moscow' though. Great body, British... quite the catch. I don't like the name Claire, though...
61. Soleil Moon Frye
Punky... you had breast reduction surgery. Why? We actually convinced Jonas Nahoum that our friend Chad was dating her back in her 'Girl Talk' phase. Good times. I think she has had a nose job, too. Still hot on 'Sabrina'.
60. Beyonce Knowles
Strictly a Chuck pick. Can't sing, can't dance, can't act. Eye candy. Had to include some soul sistas so the NAACP won't blow up our spot. We're equal opportunity sexists.
59. Lisa Loeb
The glasses, the flirty, breezy pop sound, the fact that she is dating Dweezil Zappa... she might be the perfect woman. Would make a perfect Catwoman in any future Batman flicks. Why didn't I rate her higher? I'll tell you why - I still can't forgive her for letting Ethan Hawke and those fucking douche bags involved in 'Reality Bites' use her song for that shitty movie. Phew, I feel better now.
58. - 56. The Women of 'The Sopranos'
58. Drea DeMatteo
As Adriana, Chris' girlfriend on 'The Sopranos', she's single-handedly obliterating any jersey-girl stereotypes I once had. A decent actress, too. With her hot as fuck trailer trash look; she should have a long career as 'the other woman'.
57. Edie Falco
I'll have to admit that her voice and character on 'The Sopranos' is wearing thin and getting annoying. But she is a looker, no doubt. Excellent actress. Loved her as the slightly skanky older sister in Hal Hartley's 'Trust', a wickedly funny, fucked up love story.
56. Annabella Sciorra
Has made a bunch of shitty movies. I actually liked 'Jungle Fever' though, and she was adequate opposite Matthew Broderick in 'The Night We Never Met'. Has a classic, Mediterranean beauty about her. May never be able to forgive her for 'What Dreams May Come'.
55. Julie Newmar
TV's best Catwoman. Had to suffer the embarrassment of having that cross-dresser's movie with Patrick Swayze use her name in the title. I actually scoped out some other pics of her, pre-Catwoman, and I must say she had the nicest legs I have ever seen. They'd break my neck!
54. Christina Applegate
TV's favorite slut-next-door. Didn't particularly care for 'Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead', but I still use that 'dishes are done, man' line all the time. Starred in one of my favorite sitcoms (Married, With Children) and one of the all time worst sitcoms (Jesse). Quite the accomplishment. Why didn't we have more girls like Kelly Bundy in my high school?
53. Anna Kournikova
Needs a bigger rack. Or raquet. Ha! Get it? She sucks at tennis, but we don't care. Still holding that Enrique Iglesias video against her. She will never win a major tennis tournament, so she should just move on to porn. Who's with me?
52. Tara Reid
Has an incredibly sexy voice and great hair. I like chicks with nice hair. She is a major lush; her terrier is named 'Stoli'. We could be a hot, alcoholic couple together. Funny in the 'American Pie' movies, funny in 'Van Wilder'. Had a small role in one of the all time funniest flicks 'The Big Lebowski'.
51. Jennifer Jason Leigh
She's fucked up; can't ya just see it in her eyes? Her dad, Vic Morrow, died while filming 'Twilight Zone: The Movie', he had his head chopped off by a helicopter. I could see how that might have fucked her up a bit. Liked her with dark hair in 'Dolores Claiborne', liked her young in 'Fast Times At Ridgemont High'. Terrific as a young, hick wife in 'Miami Blues'. Smack addict in 'Rush', roommate from hell in 'Single White Female'. Shit, she has range!
50. Jill Hennessy
From bookish assistant D.A. on 'Law & Order' to sexpot bombshell on 'Crossing Jordan'. I saw her on Conan O'Brien one night with these leather pants and good lord... I never wanted to be leather more in my life. According to IMDB.com, she was in 'The Paper', one of the worst movies I ever paid to see, but I don't recall her in it.
49. Kristy Swanson
The original 'Buffy'. Absolutely yummy as an emotionally abused teen in 'Flowers In The Attic'. A scene-stealer as Simone in 'Ferris Bueller'. Unfortunately we had to endure her in such crap as 'The Chase' with Charlie Sheen, 'Hot Shots', 'The Program', 'Higher Learning' and '8 Heads In A Duffel Bag'. Was in Playboy, $10 for the first one who can get me pictures of that.
48. Heather Graham
Chuck loves her, I am somewhat indifferent. She fucks with her skates on, though... that's cool. Can act a bit, I enjoyed her opposite Robert Downey Jr. in 'Two Guys And A Girl' and she was decent in 'Bowfinger'. Was in 'Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me' and the TV show, so she gets bonus points for being quirky.
47. Portia De Rossi
Well, since I caved into k8's Shirley Manson request, I cave again here and include the 'Ally McBeal' co-star. I am a big enough man to admit when I am wrong and I was wrong here, she is a stunner. Loosely translated, her name means 'nice hair, no rack' in Elvish. I am in love with her hair, but let's be honest - she needs a boob job. She's in the new JFK Jr. biopic on cable, and I think I will check it out.
46. Amy Smart
'Road Trip', 'Starship Troopers', 'Varsity Blues', 'Strangeland', 'Rat Race'... haven't seen any of them. A Chuck pick, here. I did see her in 'Campfire Tales' on HBO a few years back, about a bunch of urban legends also featuring Jacinda Barrett of 'Real World: London' fame. Nice legs.
45. & 44. Women From 'Sex And The City'
45. Kim Cattrall
We love her thanks to 'Sex And The City', but lets not forget such crap as 'Baby Geniuses', 'Live Nude Girls', 'Mannequin' and 'Police Academy'. An absolute bombshell now, she just screams 'sex'. Played a hot Vulcan named Lt. Valeris in 'Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country' which cemented her place in geek lore for eternity.
44. Kristin Davis
Psychotic and demanding on 'Melrose'. I love demanding women. She stole Billy away from Allison and I have yet to forgive her, really. Anyone here catch her in 'Take Me Home: The John Denver Story'? Yeah, me neither. Played 'herself' in 1996's 'New Yoga' - I missed that too.
 
43. Elizabeth Montgomery
Apparently, some of you think the average age of these women on the list is a tad high. Fuck off, man... think of all their experience! Anyway, you wanna talk about retro-beauty? Samantha from 'Bewitched'. Haven't seen her in anything else and dammit I don't need to. Just look at those legs! She cast a spell on me, alright... damn that was cheesy.
42. Christina Ricci
I love actresses who can convincingly play trailer trash whores and lemme tell you, check her out in 'The Opposite of Sex' and you'll see she nailed the part. Deliciously depraved in 'The Ice Storm'. Here is my issue, though: lost way too much weight recently. I appreciate her curvy-ness. Some women can pull of being thin, like rail-thin - not Ms.Ricci. Looks like a pale Ethiopian.
41. - 39. Women From 'Melrose Place'
41. Josie Bissett
The original Mrs. Michael Mancini on 'Melrose'. Played Robby Krieger's girlfriend in Oliver Stone's 'The Doors'. Now, I was a big fan of 'The Hogan Family' thanks to that wacky Jason Bateman (he of 'Teen Wolf Too' fame) but I missed Josie's guest spot on that series. Wow, two chicks named Josie in our Top 100 and no mention of the Pussycats. Strange.
40. Marcia Cross
I've said it before - I love psycho bitches. I also love redheads... talk about the perfect combination! Marcia's Kimberly from 'Melrose Place' is so fantastically evil, damn I wanted her. Remember that scar from the crash when she took her wig off? I'd skullfuck that! Great legs, too. Hasn't done much else, though - guest spots on 'Cheers', 'Boy Meets World' and 'Spin City'.
39. Heather Locklear
With 'T.J. Hooker', 'Dynasty', 'Melrose' and now 'Spin City', Heather is undoubtedly the queen of shitty television. From Tommy Lee to Richie Sambora it's apparent that her judgment is suspect on all fronts. My mom thinks she is absolutely perfect looking, and women actually go to plastic surgeons asking for the Heather Locklear nose. She's fine.
38. Catherine Zeta-Jones
Why did she have to go marry that human gasbag Michael Douglas? Why? I rented 'Traffic' just for her. She was okay, but the movie was fucking horseshit. Same thing with 'Entrapment' but damn... that booty shot, with the arched back? Damn! I am actually going to see 'Chicago' just for her. I need help.
37. Winona Ryder
Remember when she was fun? 'Lucas', 'Beetlejuice', 'Roxy Carmichael'. 'Heathers', 'Edward Scissorhands'? What the fuck happened? 'Reality Bites' happened. Follow that piece of crap with such winners as 'Little Women', 'Alien: Resurrection', 'Autumn In New York' and 'Mr. Deeds' and you have yourself a rapidly fading career. Then the whole shoplifting thing, yeah, that doesn't help. Still cute as a button and remarkable effective in the under-rated 'The Crucible'.
37. & 36. 'Dawson's Creek' Girls
36. Michelle Williams
I am in the minority here when I say I prefer Ms. Williams to Ms. Holmes. She does seem to have a hard time finding a hairstyle that works. Her little high school tramp/tortured soul routine sucked me in early on in the days of the 'Creek' but I must admit I haven't watched in years.
35. Katie Holmes
Jay and Chuck prefer the brunette here. She's cute, I admit. I'm not usually attracted to the 'goody-goody' types, so maybe that's it. Katie was the only watchable thing in the heinous 'Go'.
34. Cameron Diaz
I fell in love with her thanks to 'The Mask' opposite Eric Stoltz and Cher. Wait, no - that's 'Mask'. Anyway, she was entertaining in 'A Life Less Ordinary' with Ben Kenobi. Can handle raunchy comedy ('There's Something About Mary'), quirky comedy ('Being John Malkovich') or action ('Charlie's Angels'). Remarkably versatile, but I'd liker her to grow her hair out again. What is it with me and hair?
33. Salma Hayek
I must admit I can't stand to hear her talk, but she's real purdy so I let it go. The only thing I liked her in was 'Dogma' and she wasn't even all that good in that, either. Okay, she was hot in 'From Dusk 'Til Dawn'. I will be skipping 'Frida' like a flat stone on a lake. Why? One word - unibrow.
32. & 31. 'American Beauty' Beauties
32. Thora Birch
Drop dead sexy in 'Monkey Trouble'. Just kidding. Graduated to more adult fare when her breasts showed up. Oh man, topless shot from her bedroom in 'American Beauty'? I had to pause it right there and take care of myself. But then she did 'Dungeons & Dragons' - nice move. Everyone says I'll love 'Ghost World', guess I better check it out. Now does gum commercials.
31. Mena Suvari
Bath tub, rose petals... 'American Beauty', thank you sooo much. The straight-laced chorus girl from 'American Pie'. Nice trim body, sometimes redhead, sometimes not. Not really sure if she can act yet, but who cares.
30. Shannon Elizabeth
Leggy, chesty, can do comedy. What a package! Couldn't take my eyes off her in 'Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back', 'Scary Movie' or the 'American Pie' flicks. Married to some meatball, Joey-bag-a-donuts character named Joseph Reitman, who you might remember as the carrot lover in 'Tomcats'. That gives men like me hope!
29. Charlize Theron
What an old school, golden age beauty here. 'Two Days In The Valley'? Try two hours in the bathroom jerkin'! Woot! Had to endure 'Reindeer Games' just for her, but it was worth it... ditto 'The Cider House Rules' and 'The Legend Of Bagger Vance'. My favorite performance of hers was in 'Devil's Advocate', which would've been a better movie if not for Al Pacino's capped teeth. Creepy.
28. Elizabeth Hurley
Ah, British women. British women with good teeth! What a revelation! Said she gets her "hot-date look" by eating vast quantities of watercress soup. Whatever. Also quoted saying "I'd kill myself if I was as fat as Marilyn Monroe." Um, whatever again. May finally have to bite the bullet and see 'Permanent Midnight'.
27. Toni Braxton
Finally, a multi-award winning R&B diva that I can actually stand listening to! 'Un-Break My Heart' is a fantastic tune, you cannot argue that. Her second album, 1995's 'Secrets' sold 13 million copies worldwide. Not bad! Plus, I mean... look at her. That's some hot chocolate!
26. Gwen Stefani
Chuck and I managed to forgive her for the whole Gavin Rossdale thing. Crazy little body, tight and athletic and a great voice to boot. Guilty pleasure of mine: Gwen with pink hair. No one else could pull that off. Glad she got rid of the fuckin' bindi. That was gay, Madonna-style.
25. Meg Ryan
Every guy wants to marry a woman like Meg Ryan. Admit it. So goddamned perky and energetic it borders on annoying. Kill me for saying this, but I could watch her in films like 'You've Got Mail', 'French Kiss' or 'City Of Angels' all day. Or a continuous loop of either 'Joe Vs. The Volcano' or 'Innerspace' would work, too.
24. Alyson Hannigan
Who'd have thought that the chick with a tendency to gratify herself with a woodwind instrument would make a list like this? I would have! Redhead, come on? The only watchable part of TV's 'Buffy'. The perfect 'girl next door' cuteness... who you know likes to freak the ill na na. What... freak the ill na na? Anyway, she really did play clarinet in high school. Sweet irony!
23. Reese Witherspoon
Thought she was a decent looking chick until her guest turn on 'Friends', when she almost hooks up with Ross. Good times. Makes me feel dirty just thinking of her as a 14 yr. old in 'Man In The Moon', my favorite overplayed movie on Bravo ('Boys From Brazil' a close second). 'Fear". Bad flick. I actually paid to see 'Legally Blonde' (it was a date) and it wasn't that bad. A little curvy, great face... woulda been higher on the list if she wasn't married to Ryan Phillipe.
22. Angelina Jolie
The only movie I've seen her in was 'Pushing Tin'. She was damn sexy in it, but the movie was horseshit. Seen her in plenty of magazines and on plenty of 'Inside Access Hollywood Tonight' bullshit 'news' shows. But, Billy Bob? What the fuck was she thinking. Got the tattoo and everything, fucked him in the backseat of a limo on the way to a premier and adopted a little Asian baby and poof - bye bye marriage. Hot. Really hot. Really, really... hot.
21. Britney Spears
Britney, Britney... from Justin to Fred Durst... is the Normal MC next? That'd be awesome! Seriously. Older men want her to act out the babysitter or the cheerleader fantasy, young girls idolize her and see her as a role model, girls her age hate her because she is prettier than they are. Guys her age? We jerk off to her nightly, then call her a skank and say how much we hate her in public. Admit it! I like her not for her mind, not for her music... but for her blouse puppies. And her dancing.
20. Ali Larter
Whipped cream, 'Varsity Blues'. Yum. How hot is this chick? Leggy, blonde, swears like a sailor. Has guested on 'Dawson's Creek', 'Just Shoot Me' and 'Suddenly Susan'. Nobody's perfect. Wasn't that big of a fan of her teased, feathered hair from 'Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back' but she redeemed herself with the leather jumpsuit and her deft comic timing. Her photo shoot from MAXIM a few years back still holds a special place in my loins. And just listen to this...
"I hate pretty-looking boys. I'd rather have a guy with a potbelly than one who's in the gym all the time and watches what he eats."
Thank you lord, you give me hope!
19. Gillian Anderson
Yep, another redhead, even though her hair is naturally blonde. Noticing a trend here? Imagine her as a blonde? I can't either. Sexiest thing about the X-Files, no disrepect to the equally dreamy David Duchovny. Agent Scully has consistently given me a stiffy since 1992. I'm probably drawn to her (and her character's) intellect and easygoing charm as I am to her fantastic body and gorgeous face. According to IMDB.com, was voted "Most Likely to be Arrested" by her classmates in high school, and was in fact arrested on graduation night for trying to glue the locks shut at her high school. That's awesome. Here's a quote, but I don't think she was talking about me...
"When I think of normal, I think of mediocrity... and mediocrity scares the f*ck out of me!!"
#'s 18 & 17: The Ladies Of 'Will & Grace'
18. Megan Mullally
Oh, Karen... you are without a doubt the sexiest 'second fiddle' on television today. She is so fantastic and funny on 'Will & Grace' it can be argued that the show should be re-titled 'Jack & Karen', with Sean Hayes completely outshining Eric McCormack's 'Will'. So deliciously mean and nasty, and so curvalicious... you wouldn't exactly want to marry her character, but you'd love to rail the crap out of her. If I had my choice, she'd be above Debra Messing, but I acquiesced to Chuck's whims. I have seen her in some unbelievably bad Lifetime movies, you know, so bad they're awesome? Now that I think about it, Lifetime has become one of my major sources for jerk material. Did you know she played a call girl in 'Risky Business'? Remind me not to skip past it again next time I see it on cable. She is the lead singer in the LA band, The Supreme Music Program, anyone wanna chip in on their CD and see if it sucks?
17. Debra Messing
If Portia DeRossi and Gwen Stefani made it, how can one exclude another board-flat beauty such as Debra Messing? Can't happen, and we all know why... redhead. What, you thought I'd say 'Ned & Stacey'? Only one woman has the range to play a straight interior decorator living with a gay lawyer AND Mary Magdalene on competing networks in the same season. Plus, any woman with the ability to still manage a successful career after 'Ned' and the big-screen 'McHale's Navy' deserves a Top 20 listing. Graduated from Brandeis University - I tried out for Junior Olympic baseball at Brandeis... coincidence? Probably. Was named one of the 50 Most Beautiful People by People Magazine in 2002 and in our Top 20 in 2003... what a string of luck!
16. Natalie Portman
I quote Tanner - in what language does Padme mean 'fuck me'? Natalie Portman made me feel dirty when I watched the under-rated 'Beautiful Girls' as a young girl who crushes on Timothy Hutton. I think she was like 13 or 14, so I was right to feel dirty, right? Anyway, she's now best known as part of the posse who has ruined the greatest film franchise in history... no, she isn't starring in the next 'Police Academy'. Honestly, for me - the only reason to ever sit through Episodes I & II again would be her. Unfortunately, we had to endure 'Mars Attacks!' just for a glimpse, however was fantastic in 'The Professional'. Can speak fluent Hebrew, French, and Japanese. Reminds of me of the hot, smart girl in class who doesn't realize how hot she is. Like Julia Nelson, right Chuck?
"I'm going to college. I don't care if it ruined my career. I'd rather be smart than a movie star."
15. Marilyn Monroe
In the past few decades, she has become less of a real person and is now almost mythical. She banged Jack and Bobby Kennedy - wow. Her marriage to Joe DiMaggio made him even more bitter and reclusive than he was before, now that's a feat! Did some nudes, bonus points there. 'The Seven Year Itch' - classic. Died way too young. That breathy vocal delivery, the curves, the hair... near perfect. I'd like to someday have 'happy birthday' sung to me like she sang to JFK. Has the distinction of having Elton John sing a song about her... 'Daniel' could not be reached for comment.
14. Laura Prepon
That red-head thing really does it for me. Duh. 'That 70's Show' has gotten progressively worse since it's debut, but good ol' Laura always makes me stop and watch. As 'Donna', she is sarcastic, mean-spirited, witty, jaded and a closet romantic. And redheaded, which makes 'Donna' possibly the only character from a semi-sucessful sitcom specifically written to my specifications for the perfect mate, if you don't count 'Burt' from 'The Hogan's'. Was recently in 'Slackers' with Jason Schwartzman, of 'Rushmore' fame, so that may be worth a rental. It will be interesting to watch her career blossom, hopefully into either soft-core or Lifetime movies. Her favorite book is Tolkein's 'The Hobbit' and with my newfound fanboy respect for 'Lord Of The Rings' it makes her just that much hotter.
13. Carla Gugino
Got her big break opposite Michael J. Fox vehicle 'Spin City'. Amid rumors that she was fast becoming as popular as Fox himself and that his wife was none too happy about the chemistry between him and his top-heavy co-star, Carla was booted off the show after only twelve episodes. Bastards. Baby face and a playmate body, an absolute stunner if you ask me. I enjoyed her in 'Snake Eyes' but I am kind of upset now, since she has lost a bunch of weight for her roles in the 'Spy Kids' flicks. She just looks healthier curvy. I still remember her fondly in 'Son In Law'. Ah, to be young and in a movie with Pauly Shore... paging Brendan Fraser...
12. Jessica Alba
This chicks lips make me violent. And her legs make me violent. And her chest and eyes and everything just make me wanna... I dunno... put my penis in her and thrust repeatedly. Crazy, huh? And I've only seen her in one movie - 'Idle Hands'. Apparently was very sexy and entertaining on tv's 'Dark Angel', which I never watched. Loved the commercials, though. Chicks in leather rule. Also was seen in tv's 'The Secret World Of Alex Mack' and 'Flipper'. Yeah, that's right - 'Flipper'. God, what I wouldn't do to her...
"I'm good at being sarcastic with guys. They don't want the quiet, prissy little things."
11. Summer Altice
Was in 'The Scorpion King' and was also a Playboy Playmate. Plus, did I mention she was a Playboy Playmate? Honestly, ladies... the first (only?) honest-to-goodness Playmate, who'd have thought it'd take this long? Being a Playmate means she showed her boobies in a magazine. That is so awesome. I have no idea who she is, but Chuck swears by her and hey, she was a Playmate. Played two years of volleyball at SDSU, because she is tall, like 5'10" tall. Ah, that's why Chuck likes her. And, well, the Playmate thing, I'm sure.
"People are taken aback by a confident, pretty girl who knows what she wants in life and isn't going to let anyone get in her way. And you know what it's all about? Jealousy."
10. Jennifer Aniston
What can be said about this 'Friends' superstar that hasn't been said already? Oh, yeah... we want to nail her. God, it's gotten disgustingly piggish on this list like real quick. Anyway, besides 'Phoebe', probably the most talented of the whole 'Friends' cast and this coming from a huge 'Chandler' fan. Fan as in he's funny, I don't 'like him' like him, ya know? Redefined disgruntled flair-whore in 'Office Space', played 'Jeanie' in the 'Ferris Bueller' tv show, she was vulnerable and fun to watch in 'Rock Star'... she's all over the place. She's banging Brad Pitt, though. I have no shot...
"Everybody always asks if we're happy. Give me a break. We're married two years. In Hollywood years, that's forever."
9. Tiffani Amber Thiessen
Did she drop the Amber? Ah, who cares. Kelly Kapowski is all grown up. From annoyingly perky moron on 'Saved By The Bell' to a photot spread in almost every men's magazine in just a few short years... way to go! Funny thing is with a career that includes 'Son In Law', 'The Ladies Man', '90210', 'From Dusk Till Dawn 2' and the new crap-fest 'Fastlane', she is the most successful Bayside High alum. Always looks great, brunette or dirty blonde, kickin' curves, great smile. In 1987, she was named Miss Junior America, and a year later won Teen magazine's Great Model Search. Her favorite band is named 'Primitive Whore'. Yeah.
"I was literally in underwear for the first three years of '90210'. I finally had to go to the producers and say, 'Look, I'm here to do a job, not to be naked the entire time."
8. Halle Berry
I am convinced that her breasts could end world hunger - they are that fantastic. Two words - 'Swordfish'... um, that was one word but whatever. So she's got an Oscar for 'Monsters Inc'... or was it 'Monster's Ball'? She's the latest and hottest 'Bond' girl and she'll soon be seen in the new 'X-Men' sequel. Nice career. My favorite roles of hers were as a crackwhore in Spike Lee's 'Jungle Fever' and her star turn opposite Hollywood blowhard Warren Beatty in the brutally funny 'Bulworth'. Used to get beat up by David Justice, who hasn't hit as well since they split up (check the stats). Halle won even great acclaim for her role as actress Dorothy Dandridge in TV's 'Introducing Dorothy Dandridge' for which she won a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a TV Movie/Mini-Series. Dorothy Dandridge was the first African-American woman to be nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress and Halle Berry is the first to have won in that category... coincidence? Yeah probably. So with all her 'good' work and the fact that she is extremely beautiful, is that enough to forget 'B.A.P.S.', 'The Flintstones', 'The Last Boy Scout', Don Seeley's all-time favorite 'The Program' and 'Executive Decision'? You bet it is!
7. Jules Asner
Somehow makes celebrity news bearable and Steve Kmetko tolerable, so she is very, very talented. Cindy Crawford and Jules shared a bunkroom during the early days of their modeling careers... oh, to be a fly on the wall. Not really related to Ed Asner (makes sense now) but was married to his son for 4 years. Former host of E!'s 'Wild On' series, now does their 'news' show. She's 5'10" and I love her hair. It looks so soft, all the time. She's got a more accessible beauty to her, not too intimidating, if you don't count the height thing. Had a bit role in 'Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back' and two episodes of 'Action'.
6. Alyssa Milano
'Teen Steam', Samantha on 'Who's The Boss', Eva Savealot, 'Melrose' and now 'Charmed'. Not enough for ya? Okay, how about 'Commando', 'Double Dragon', 'Poison Ivy II', Amy Fisher in a telemovie and 'Buying the Cow', notable only for Ryan Reynolds being fucking hilarious. Quite the career, wouldn't ya say? I grew up watching her blossom, watching her try to deal with a stereotype for a father and a young gay boy as a 'brother', so to speak, on 'WTB?'. I think Mona was a bad influence on her, that's why she skanks it up nowadays. Never had an awkward phase, thank Christ. I wish I had girls who looked like that in school. When she showed up as Michael Mancini's sister on 'Melrose', well, let's just say I started watching again. Awarded $230,000 in a default judgement against a web designer that allegedly posted nude pictures of her, so she doesn't fuck around. Here's my favorite bio snippet of hers: Had 5 albums released in Japan which all went platinum. These were titled Alyssa, Look In My Heart, Best in the World, Locked In a Dream, and Do You See Me?. The 'Teen Steam' reference is played out, but have any of you seen it? If so, let me know... I desperately want to watch it.
"Every time I decide I want a child I get another pet. I have 3 dogs, 13 birds and 3 horses, what does that tell you?"
 
5. Meredith Vieira
I couldn't find one good pic of her, so here are two so-so pics instead. When I am old, bloated, old and graying, I hope my wife looks like her. Jon Henson, the best host ev-er of 'Talk Soup' has a crush on her that rivals mine, but he's so Hollywood I know she would pick him over me. Bastard Skunkboy. Meredith is the kind of woman who makes me wanna get the SUV, sign my kids up for soccer, drink wine from a box in the fridge, dance to 'Wooly Bully', shop at IKEA and vacation at the Cape. So white, so lily-white it hurts. But look at her - absolutely stunning. She flashed the audience on 'The View' once, didn't she? Was at one time a real reporter and is currently all kinds of nice - part of ClubMom's Senior Advisory Board, as well as one of the seven co-founders, along with actor Andrew Shue. Ms. Vieira has been honored by the Anti-Defamation League and named "2001 Woman of the Year" by City of Hope.
4. Uma Thurman
Sexiest first name on the list. She was in two of my Top 10 Movies of all time, 'Pulp Fiction' and 'Beautiful Girls'. Unfortunately she had kids with Ethan Hawke. Started off innocently enough opposite Anthony Michael Hall in the criminally under-rated 'Johnny Be Good', then graduated to meatier roles in 'Mad Dog & Glory', 'Even Cowgirls Get The Blues' and then of course 'Pulp'. Made my life complete by starring with Janeane in 'The Truth About Cats And Dogs' but set her career back a few years with 'Batman And Robin'. Will star in Tarantino's upcoming 'Kill Bill' which will suck horrendously. Did you know she is the granddaughter of Baron Karl von Schlebrugg? Do you care? No, because she is fucking hot. And tall. Hot and tall, her. Wide eyes, full lips, long long legs...
"Tall, sandy blonde, with sort of blue eyes, skinny in places, fat in others. An average gal." - Uma Thurman, self-description.
3. Elisabeth Shue
With her babyfat in 'Karate Kid' and 'Adventures In Babysitting', things looked good for Ms. Shue. 'Cocktail' followed, as did the two 'Back to the Future' sequels. 'Soapdish' was made bearable by her, with a little help from Robert Downey, Jr. Everyone's favorite hooker with a heart of gold in 'Leaving Las Vegas', perhaps the most depressing movie of all time, if you don't count 'Empire Strikes Back'. I'm saving a bit of space here for Chucks reasonings behind this choice, hopefully forthcoming...
2. Janeane Garofalo
A great Janeane quote: "I wouldn't want to live in a world that had seen my genitalia. You've got no trump card."
What more can I say about Janeane? I will marry her, or I will find a woman whom I can mold into being exactly like her. It's that simple...
Ooops!
Well, I'd be lying if I said we didn't miss a few with this ol' Top 100 List. Now, if we sat here and listed them all, well then the whole list thing would be even more drawn-out, intolerable and wasteful than it is now. So I submit for you The Normal MC's '5 I Forgot'...
Vanessa Marcil
Senior year I used to go watch 'General Hospital' after school with 5 other girls and she was my favorite. Okay, maybe I am gay...
Andrea Parker
Briefly on 'ER' then 'The Pretender'. I think she may be evil. Now on that new show 'Less Than Perfect' with another one who recently has caught my eye...
Sara Rue
Again with the redheads! Other than 'Less' the only thing I know her from is 'Rocket Gibraltar', a sweet lil' film with a very young McCauly Culkin and a very old Burt Lancaster. She was 9 at the time, so she wasn't too hot back then.
Jennifer Westfeldt
'Kissing Jessica Stein' is a movie Rosen said I should see just for her because she's pretty. She is pretty, haven't seen the movie yet.
Thandie Newton
If you haven't seen 'Flirting', you're missing one of the quirkiest, wittiest teenage love stories of all time. Did the 'MI:2' thing, 'Gridlock'd' and 'Jefferson In Paris'... range? Unfortunately, was in 'Beloved' with Oprah Winfrey. That alone is enough to keep anyone off the list.
Ready For #1?
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chesty McRack
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lurker
02.06.2003
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comment no. 1
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I love number 69! I watch headline news all the time and she is so hot! I love the way she turns her head to the side when she is making a point. Watch her in action some time.
Oh she's great!
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dog e. style
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157 posts
02.06.2003
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comment no. 2
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Glad to see my girl Claire Forlani on the list. She's mega hot. So are all these chicks anyways...
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DaveG
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lurker
08.26.2004
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comment no. 3
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Nice list.
I like redheads too (I am one myself, so I've always thought about do'in a redhead lady... would be an interesting mix of pube colors... sorry got off track there...)
I'm glad that you didn't go with the hollywood slutty list (Pam A. etc.)
However, you missed a few that should have been on your list, such as Michelle Pfeiffer, Wendy Crewson, Jill St. John (a redhead of old), Jennifer Connelly, ...
If I had a choice for my "special lady friend" it would be Liz ("Perky" Perkins) or Michelle (Pfe... Pfi...) or Sela ("can I be a sex-slave-prisoner in her" Ward).
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dog e. style
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157 posts
08.27.2004
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comment no. 4
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mmmmmmmm.......Claire Forlani
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in the 'Burgh
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lurker
07.08.2007
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comment no. 5
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What? No Jayne Mansfield? Say it ain't so....
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