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Patton Oswalt: The ARF Interview july 1 2004, 05:11 am
submitted by: normal mc

Patton Oswalt is one of the funnier comics performing today. You might know him from his work on CBS' 'The King of Queens' or perhaps even from his Sierra Mist commercials. Or, just read his bio, I'm sure you've seen him in something. But if you haven't seen him perform stand-up, well, you're missing out. I happened upon his site the other day and took a shot to see if he wanted to subject himself to th ARF treatment. Here is what he shared...

ARF: Vagina necklaces – have you registered that web address yet, because I smell a hit…

Patton Oswalt: I'm talking to my lawyers, but they keep bursting into tears.

ARF: So you sold out with ‘King of Queens’, seems to be working out for you well though. Any regrets? Any 'very special episodes' coming up this fall?

Patton: My only regret is I didn't take a piece of the "Dollars and Spence" change belts. And I get attacked by a falcon at a fair in the season opener.

ARF: What exactly is so subversive about ‘The King Of Queens’ anyway?

Patton: The fact that it's a sunny, primetime sitcom about horrible people who fail at everything they do and cause more misery. No special episodes, no lessons, no victory or hope. I love it.

ARF: Does it bother you that the majority of our readers have never seen the show and probably won’t watch it?

Patton: I could care less. As long as I can get cheap Russian pussy and guns.

ARF: So what else do you define as ‘subversive’ or ‘cutting edge’ nowadays?

Patton: Blintz recipes.

ARF: What hidden gems or guilty pleasures of yours should us suburban hipsters delve into wholeheartedly?

Patton: Hate crimes. Everyone in TV on the Radio is doing it... why don't you?

ARF: What’s your favorite freaky Jesus website?

Patton:, for personal reasons.

ARF: Have you worked any of that stuff into your current routine?

Patton: Nah. It's funny on its own.

ARF: Sierra Mist – do you actually drink it?

Patton: It's made from rape sweat, so no.

ARF: Tell us about writing for Mad TV. Thoughts on the current show?

Patton: Please save me some time and do this: go to and go to The Patton Oswalt Q&A thread. Somewhere on like page 4 or 5 I give what I think is a really detailed and cogent response to that question, wherein I compare the shit vs. genius ratio between MAD TV and MR. SHOW. It's very eloquent, and my brain is so fried from having to sit next to the Wayans brothers on 'JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE' two hours ago that there's no way I will summon the will to repeat my earlier verbiage. (Farts)

ARF: Your new album 'Feelin' Kinda Patton' was released on Tuesday – a quick self-review?

Patton: Cures cancer when purchased.

ARF: Is this your 'White Album' or your 'Dark Side Of The Moon'?

Patton: It's my 'Banger Sisters' soundtrack.

ARF: Who are some of your stand-up heroes, influences?

Patton: Richard Pryor, Jonathan Winters and WDCA sportscaster Glen Brenner.

ARF: Who out there today do you enjoy… more importantly, who do you hate?

Patton: I love Zach Galifianakis, Andy Kindler, Todd Glass, Patrice O'Neal and Jim Norton. I hate too many to name.

ARF: I saw a bit you did about being in Amsterdam, I think, and you said something about the ‘holy trinity’ of musicians/bands that came on the stereo in some hash bar while you were there. I think it was the Beastie Boys, Supergrass and… who was the third?

Patton: Elvis Costello.

ARF: Do you still feel that way?

Patton: Yes. Even more so about Supergrass.

ARF: What else are you listening to nowadays?

ARF: Holly Golightly.

Patton: What do you think George W. Bush’s moment of irony was?

Patton: Every time he's invoked God.

ARF: Thoughts, hopes, wishes, reservations on the new Batman franchise?

Patton: One hope: more Della Reese.

ARF: One of our readers politely asks of you to tell Aimee Mann to grow her bangs down to her eyebrows for once. Can you pass that along?

Patton: I would, but she would stab me again.

ARF: Are you friends with Dave Eggers? Can you tell him I was underwhelmed by 'You Shall Know Our Velocity'?

Patton: Yes and you're wrong.

ARF: Zabka was robbed at the Academy Awards, wasn’t he?

Patton: Jesus. Did you see 'Most'? It was great. But he should have won just... for... being... ZABKA!

ARF: Have you seen Lisa Whelchel’s site?

Patton: Holy shit. I visit it every day (not being ironic now). I can't wait for her book to come out.

ARF: ‘Man On The Moon’ – that was a wig, right?

Patton: It's always a wig.

ARF: What was it like working with Paul Thomas Anderson on ‘Magnolia’?

Patton: Great. He taught me to play baccarat in Reno, and I won a wad of cash. We also got drunk on a plane.

ARF: You say ‘Ah’s-walt’, there is a pitcher for the Astros who says ‘Oh’s-walt’. Who’s right and why?

Patton: I'm always right.

ARF: What’s next for Patton Oswalt?

Patton: Wolverine powers.

ARF: In fifteen years, on ‘Patton Oswalt: Behind The Laughter’, what will we see?

Patton: Blurry footage of a underage three-way with 'Coward of the County' playing on the hotel room's clock radio.

Bonus Round

ARF: What’s in your cd player/mp3 player right now?

Patton: 'Once Again (Here to Kick One for You)' - Handsome Boy Modeling School.

ARF: Last book you read?

Patton: 'How The Irish Saved Civilization' by Thomas Cahill.

ARF: Favorite movie?

Patton:'Murder On The Orient Express'. This year? 'BAAADASSSSS!'.

ARF: Chunky or creamy peanut butter?

Patton: Chunky.

ARF: Favorite use of the ‘f’ word?

Patton: "Fuck-lungs"

ARF: Tiger Woods has been called ‘the Michael Jordan of golf’. Patton Oswalt is the Michael Jordan of…

Patton: The movie 'Space Jam'.

ARF: Do you plan on reading this review when it is finished?

Patton: I can't read.

ARF: Thanks again for your time. A free coffee mug is yours for the asking.

Patton: I am asking for a free coffee mug.

Answer Patton Oswalt's Celebrity Question Of The Day Here!

Photos used without permission. Do something.

gnomeloaf 942 posts
comment no. 1

Holy crap, I might actually watch an episode of The King of Queens now.

Damn you, ARF! *shakes fist*

dj tanner
dj tanner 4789 posts
comment no. 2

Yeah, I like that show! I don't get to watch it that often, but its good. And man, what a good interview! Fuck-lungs!

one4k4 1071 posts
comment no. 3

Rape-sweat. /shakes head. Now I have to see if that domain is free... and all.

Great interview. Did you stuff the mug with weed? I mean, it's just a mug... ;)

kid dexterity
kid dexterity 1186 posts
comment no. 4

Just out of curiosity, did you ever send him the free coffee mug?

normal mc
normal mc 7472 posts
comment no. 5

Never got his address. But I did send one to Blieden.