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I Wanna Go To Jail november 21 2003, 01:55 am
submitted by: normal mc

I finally figured out exactly what needs to happen to me to get my shit together. This one magnificent decision will not only improve my health, it will take care of my financial dire straits, it will force me into a cycle of self-actualization and attitude adjustment, it will force me to finally deal with my abandonment issues, my loneliness issues and yes, after this I will no longer need external validation of my own worth from friends and family.

I need to go to jail.

When did this wonderful idea first pop in my tired head? Last night, watching TNT (They Know Saturation Programming)... or as it should be redubbed, 'The Shawshank Network'. Now, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking 'Norm, that movie is far from a romantic, idyllic portrayal of prison life. How could you confuse assrape, beatings, the denial of basic human rights, loss of dignity, etc. with an opportunity for self betterment'?

Good question! But think of the payoff! The positives far outweigh the negatives. I am confident that I could befriend an affable black fellow, a dullard with a stutter or an old man and a bird. I’m nothing if not versatile, look at my current crop of friends for proof. Maybe this affable black fellow is nicknamed ‘Darkie’.

“Hey Darkie, why do they call you darkie?”
“Probably because I’m Polish.”

Perhaps one of my jail posse has a hidden treasure for me when I get out? Perhaps he will finally break free from the chains that bind him and embark on a lifelong dream, somewhere on the coast, and it’s my destiny… no, it’s karma… we’re supposed to live out the remainder of our days with nods and winks, in-jokes and tall tales of the ‘good old days’.

It could happen.


I am in jail, I pay no rent. I have no car payment, no insurance payments, and no worries about 'dating'. I'm in jail and everything is done for me. Three squares hot and a cot, boom - I'm happy. Most importantly - no job. Sure, I could work in the laundry or the kitchen or I could hammer out some 'Save the Sound' license plates, but come on - there is no quality control, no hands-on supervision at those jobs. I could fuck up all I want, what are they gonna do to me? Send me to jail?


In jail, I don't have to worry about politics, the state of world affairs, being an upright citizen, etc. This will help me feel more like an average American, and I've always wanted to fit in.

Here is another benefit: in jail, I have a better chance of meeting celebrities than I do if I continue my life as an internet sales supervisor on the outside. And let's face it, one socially acceptable way of judging another person's worth is by their run-in's with celebrities.

In jail, I would not worry about getting beat-up or assraped. Why? Because my mother taught me an important lesson lo so many years ago... always leave 'em laughing! My self-deprecating humor, my ability to put-down other people in a round-about manner, my ability to diss someone right to their face and still make them laugh about will save me the cruel indignity of some other convicts throbbing, swollen member violating my holiest of holies.

"Hey, there goes that motherfuckin' Norm... man, that motherfucker make me laugh like a motherfuckin' motherfucker!"


I've read how a number of reformed convicts owe their salvation to having found religion while in jail. I hope I know where to look!

And what about 'The Yard'? I've always wanted to hang out in 'The Yard'. That'd be awesome. Anyone wanna play kickball? Prisoners vs. guards, only pride on the line! Yeah!


Loss of basic personal freedoms, for one. Also, I am a terrible barterer, and I’m not even sure that is a word. If I quit smoking, I’m fine. If not, I’m fucked. I would blow another guy for smokes if desperate, just ask Mike2. I have no concept of worth, and in the super competitive world of hoosecow commerce, I'd get 'raped' one way or another.

What would I miss the most? I’d really miss the internet. But maybe, just maybe I could find someone special! And I’m not sure most correctional facilities have bathtubs, and I’m a sucker for my Calgon moments. And do you think Garner has weekly karaoke? Me neither.

But the worst possible aspect of going to jail would be that I probably won’t get picked for a ‘Queer Eye’ makeover, although the mental image of Kyan in an orange jumpsuit, hair just frazzled so, leering over me, mouthing the word ‘zhoozhe’ over and over and over…

Actually, the more I think about it, I would so make it in prison!


I have to go to jail. Why? My soul is begging for it.

Plenty of 'me' time in my cell will lead to nothing but reflective self-help. And I'm sure I can convince ‘Chinch’ and the boys in the lounge to switch to Dr. Phil every once in awhile when my own prison cell psychology leaves a bit to be desired. Face it, I am a lonely man, I always have been. There has been only one person who I’ve never felt lonely around, and no, it's not God, but in prison it’ll be a whole new kind of lonely. Again, I could find religion. I hear Darkie is the kinda guy who can get things for people...

In my cell, preferably top bunk, it'll be either just me or me and someone who I can control emotionally. Someone who I will turn into an 'enabler'. I will constantly look for approval from him; I will beat him to death with over-kindness (or a bar of soap wrapped in a sanitary sock) and then snap for no reason, and thereby practicing for the day I am released. That way I can pick up where I left off in the outside world.

But in those lonely hours, those midnights in lockdown, I'll finally be able to make real progress. Fear and anger subside, replaced by creeping regret and inadequacy. I will be able to overanalyze and relive every fucking mistake I have ever made in my life over and over to the point of madness. I mean, I do that now, but so much gets in the way of ‘real regret’… television, movies, work, and this site. And, after awhile (5 to 10, out after 3 on good behavior, the conservative guess), I'll come to terms with the fact that I am the only one responsible for my happiness, that I have, in fact, given all I could to friends and family, that I am a good person, that I cannot control another's feelings and that in the end, faith in myself is most important.

Going to prison is really the only way I will get over myself.

And if that doesn't work, I'll assrape my cellmate.

So, in the immortal words of Henry Hill: "Now take me to jail..."

EDITOR'S NOTE: 'assrape' is not in MS Word's dictionary...

noodles 148 posts
comment no. 1

lucky for you, you live in the country with the biggest prison population, so your odds are pretty good.

kid dexterity
kid dexterity 1186 posts
comment no. 2

Don't forget your shiv...

farlupulous 3353 posts
comment no. 3

Well Normal MC that is one of the loudest cries for help I have ever heard. Let me explain. If there is anyone here that understands what you are feeling it is me brother. Being that I too am alone again. Actually I think I have only really not felt alone for a short amount of time. This life is nothing but about you and no one else. Yes it has something to do with the person you are with or potentially going to be with. But nothing is for certain and nothing is fair. You can give give give all you want but if it is not meant to be then it is not going to happen. No matter how much whining you do or how much you provide or try to do for a person. The people that want to be with you will be with you. And the people that you need to work at then it isnt going to work and is not worth it.
Norm I know what kind of person you are and you are a great person, eccentric at times but that makes you you.
The answer of course is not going to jail that’s a loosers way out, just like LONG term Unemployment checks.. Not short term, but the long term maxed out kind.
The whole idea of jail shows giving up that you need something to take you away from your problems, well guess what when you get to they will be waiting for you when you get back and now sosiety will be looking at you as if you are damaged cause you were in Jail.
So heres the deal little billy, You know you have friends if not I would not be taking the time to write this. So things arent great right now. You have the drive and determination to be ok. If you sit back and look at this world and life it is not that bad.
I of all people miss a girlfriend right now but I got shit to take care of even before that is a possibility. I used to exude this confidence and felt it and knew it, then someone came along and took every last part of that away and I haven’t really been able to find it like I had it, it is coming back and things will be ok. So normal mc just realize this. You are not alone, people feel exactly how you fell and you will be ok and we all will. So knock it off and stop coming up with crazy schemes to somehow make you better or figure out your mind or why people are alone. We are cause we are, you are who you are, we are not super stars no are we even famous. That’s life …DEAL.
Things could always be worse and if you don’t think so then you are not living amongst us.
First make you happy, however you need to do it,just do it. Things will follow from there.

Your continued friend Farley

And just remember:

No matter how beautiful,
how smart, or how cute she is...
somebody somewhere, is sick of her shit!

And when you feel down Go ahead and sing this song to yourself:
Pour me somethin' tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It's only half past twelve but I don't care
It's 5 O'clock somewhere

dj tanner
dj tanner 4789 posts
comment no. 4

This just in... Farley is human.

normal mc
normal mc 7472 posts
comment no. 5

It's been awhile, but thank god, FINALLY... someone reads more into an article than they should have...

Look, everything I do is a cry for help... please, help me understand what the fuck Farley is talking about! I dropped some bombs, sure, but my personal life, from now on, is none of your fucking business. Unless I am asking for advice, etc... and I will let you know.

Thanks Farley.

orangekaren lurker
comment no. 6

When you are in jail, I am going to mail you some cookies with little nail files in them. Um, I mean totally plain unsuspect cookies. Yeah, that's it. Totally un-file-filled cookies.

farlupulous 3353 posts
comment no. 7

Glad I could help

Red lurker
comment no. 8

Norm, you know what I always say: get busy living or get busy dying.

gnomeloaf 942 posts
comment no. 9

I need the decoder glasses to read about Norm's personal life in this article. Do we get them from McDonald's or Burger King this time?

farlupulous 3353 posts
comment no. 10

Wendys, its a limited time offer

Meesh23 lurker
comment no. 11

I was at Wendy's last night, no glasses...
Anyway, nice article norm, you really told the truth about how all the criminals and sickos in our country get the royal treatment in prison. No bills, no rent, no worries, just lots of time. And isn't that what we all complain about anyway, not having enough time. Hell, let's all go to jail!
Why don't you be like your favorite leading man Scott Stapp and create your own prison? :-)

your mother
your mother 73 posts
comment no. 12

hmmmmm....... I remember "lo so many years ago" ... you were sitting in the shopping basket in Kiddytown SCREAMING for yet another Star Wars action figure ... telling you that if you kept screaming like that, you were going to GO TO JAIL!!

You stopped screaming.

You had your chance!

My point is this: At some point in most of our lives, our own minds become a personal prison cell. We allow ourselves to languish in a dark, dank, unfriendly place while contemplating a seemingly endless supply of past regrets, personal indignities and shoulda-coulda-wouldas.

I hereby grant you parole.

Leave your old baggage at the prison and walk out a free man!

Stop and watch the cloud formations, talk to an old man, sing Christmas carols at the top of your lungs, wish on a star, wink at a girl who's not too cute, stop at one of those high school car washes, put a quarter in someone's expired parking meter, let someone go ahead of you in the checkout line, buy a trinket out of a gumball machine and give it to the next kid you see ...

... you'd be surprised ....

carpe diem

kid dexterity
kid dexterity 1186 posts
comment no. 13

"Buy a trinket out of a gumball machine and give it to the next kid you see..."

...and then see that kid kick you in the shins and scream "You're not my mommy!" like he was taught to do in the Don't Talk to Strangers filmstrip at school.

Instead, may I offer the alternative of "Buy a trinket out of a gumball machine and give it to the next Kid Dexterity you see..."