C'mon... Janeane? What an ugly name.

Could it be that she's witty, funny, self-deprecating, and acerbic? I guess you could use words like that to describer her and her unique brand of comedic stylings. Could it be that she's cute too? Now, I know that she doesn't exactly live up to the average American male's image of classical beauty or even bar-crawl skankiness; but God damn it, you can't get any cuter than Janeane.

And yeah - she's not the best actress. So her forays into traditional dramatic roles have left a bit to be desired. I don't care - she's the best. If you need further proof check out some of her stand-up routines and tell me otherwise.

Can't be done. Just give up now.

You could lump her in with the "chicks guys like because of their horn-rimmed glasses" subcategory if you must, if labeling and pigeonholing get you off. She'd there with Lisa Loeb and TV's best Catwoman Julie Newmar among others. But you should NOT lump her in with anyone because she is one of a kind. She is deserved of a pedestal in the pantheon of public performers with pithy, provocative personalities... too much alliteration.

Let's soldier on and tackle her body of work, starting with...

Saturday Night Live
Nothing notable, but it is her stint on this show which first made me aware of her awesomeness.

Reality Bites
Let's make this crystal clear: not even Janeane's involvement in this wretched piece of shit could make it even barely watchable. Fuck Ethan Hawke - fuck him in his stupid ass. She was good, though.

Bye Bye Love
Let's make this clear: not even Janeane's involvement in this wretched piece of shit could make it even barely watchable. Fuck Matthew Modine, Paul Reiser and the ugly Quaid brother - fuck them in their stupid asses. Janeane however was funny as hell as the super neurotic blind date. Good times when she's on the screen, bad times when she's not. Extremely bad times.

The Truth About Cats And Dogs
This was like Marvel Vs. DC for me. Old WWF Vs. The NWA. Flair Vs. Hogan. Janeane - my boo - and Uma Thurman. Oh sweet lord. You see, after "Pulp Fiction", Uma held the top slot - ever so briefly - on my list of movie stars I want to fuck. She had just beaten out Janeane, who was far ahead of Lolita Davidovich (thanks to "Intersection" with Richard Gere). So this was the clash of the titans for me. Janeane won because Uma can't do light comedy - simple as that. It still sucked.

Larger Than Life
Janeane, Bill Murray, Jeremy Piven (a future subject for this column), Matthew McConaughey, Linda Fiorentino and an elephant. This movie should've been on of the best films ever based on the last sentence. Don't believe everything you read.

Permanent Midnight
Ben Stiller, funny guy. However, I try to steer clear of films that glorify junkies in all their junkie-ness. Haven't seen, juts like I haven't seen "Trainspotting". So sue me.

Mystery Men
Here's the real mystery: how, with a cast like this, could this movie suck so badly?

So it seems Janeane has been the best thing about a bunch of really crappy movies and TV shows. I call this 'Chazz Palmenteiri-itis', a term coined by chuck d. It's a condition where you take all the scripts your agent has given you, tape them to a wall and - while blindfolded - throw darts at them. Whatever you hit, you do. Cuba Gooding Jr. suffers from this as well. So did Stanley Kubrick - which's how he chose what scripts to direct.

Back to the issue at hand: has Janeane been a part of quality entertainment at any level, you ask? Yes.

Cable Guy
She was funny for a hot minute in this flick which I thought was hilarious.

Sweethearts
She was scary, vulnerable and sympathetic. She plays a blind date (again) with a bit of a mental deficiency. Hard to find but worth the effort.

Romy And Michelle's High School Reunion
This, surprisingly, wasn't bad at all. No one plays bitter quite as well.

The Matchmaker
As the lead in this Irish themed romantic comedy, Janeane was excellent, thanks to her drunken shenanigans, pleated skirts and that purdy smile. Plus, Denis Leary. Score!

Dogma
Great flick in which Janeane has a blink-and-you'll miss her role. Kevin Smith, in his director's commentary on the special edition DVD admits that maybe Janeane should have been cast in the lead role of Bethany instead of Linda Fiorentino. That would have made a great movie even better. Damn you Silent Bob.

Wet Hot American Summer
This features Janeane and some old cast members from MTV's "The State". This is like the Rosetta Stone of modern comedy for me. I haven't seen it yet, but I am certain it is probably the best movie ever.

But let's get to why I really like Janeane as much as I do. Because she is too fucking cute for words. Call me weird, label me a-typical but damn - short girls with nice curves, great smiles and a refusal to conform with societal standards of fashion, beauty and behavior will always get a hard yard outta me. Her classic slacker uniform - t-shirts, thrift shop leftovers, baggy cargo pants, her occasional rimmed glasses - fuck me, I'm hers. I don't know why I am attracted to that, that's a completely different article. And her smile? Jesus, it's the best I've ever seen. Most of you won't believe it but a good smile is my favorite female feature - next to the snatch. It's her many flaws and seeming unsuitability for mega-stardom that make her appear more "real" and accessible. She rants on and on about living an unfulfilled life, she's hypercritical, sarcastic and abrasive. She's me without a penis. Maybe that's it.

Some guys are attracted to the silicone-laden, big boob havin', airbrushed disco look - the pop icons or movie starlets of questionable ability. That works for some guys, but not me. Okay, it works for me sometimes. The kind of women who spend more time on their make-up, outfits and hair instead of their personality are about as appealing to me as a warm bucket of hamster vomit. I'm looking for those girls who can converse fluently on a number of topics, make me laugh, attack me personally with verbiage dripping with wit and understand my sense of humor. Janeane has it.

Garofalo's managed to turn her professional shortcomings (she rarely bothers to memorize her bits before going on stage, bombs a lot, tends to eat her way out of auditionability, etc.) into something of a personality cult and somewhat successful career. By her own description, most people don't actually find her to be all that funny, and most of her movies bombed as well. The one movie that did well was the one she hates the most ("Cats and Dogs"), but most critics still love her, regardless of the film. Add all this up and I think what's going on here is that people don't like Janeane so much as they like the idea of Janeane, i.e. the cute, hip counter-culture pop icon she's been made into. Therein lies her novelty - most female social critics in the public eye tend to run plain to ugly, whereas her 'button-cuteness' may sometimes soften the blow of her alienating diatribes.

I can't explain it, really. And after reading what I just wrote it's obvious I can't put it into print either. I want to marry someone like her - looks and everything. A couple of weeks ago, I had a sex dream where I was going down on her. From the look on her face and the sounds she was making (in my fantasy dream world, that is) apparently, I was doing a good job. Premonition?

Color me hopeful.